i had a dream lastnight on the night dec-31-11.
it shook me. it reminded me how bad my friends treated me, how fucked up my life has been because of social contact and how socially abnormal i am becoming with me blocking out all forms of what a normal social life should be. it reflects on my day to day, im not as funny around strangers as i use to be, a serious express came over my face all the time, and im stuttering in my conversations. if i can sum up a word for how my friends use to treat me i would say abuse, used, and discarded. nobody but my girlfriend and my best friend cares or talks to me. no body texts me to calls to invites me to anywhere. i was used.
in a short breif description i will tell you what my life has been like, fucked up, more so then one person can beleive, and no im not pitching for a im so fucked up contest, i would be a good runner up but im here to express what the victim feels, how i live my day to day life and to share the hurt that is approaching. yes i am considered insane. yes i am homicidal. yes i agree with crazy people more than the "sane". so i want to share my warping mind with those who take theirs for granted.
i woke up a changed man on new years, this is the first new years i didnt stay up for the countdown. nope, made good love to my girlfriend and went to bed at like maybe 10. as if the day had no significance, granted i had been sleep deprived for awhile. my dreams were vivid, i can recall everything but i wont share because of i cant remember the order of events that took place. it had alot to do with friends and mistrust. had alot to do with the love of my broken family. and even more hatred for the ones i hated the most.
i woke up, did 10 push ups and attempted sit ups only to be able to do 2 (i have gotten badly out of shape in the past 2 years and i am leaning towards the 300 pound side but i am not terribly out of shape). i strapped on the weights to my ankles and jogged for 30 seconds in the cold morning (minus 10c today) without a shirt on. came back to my bed and fu^^ed my gf like it was the last time. sat in reflect the thoughts buzzing my head. i know what needs to be done. things happend to me for a reason and this is the year to shine. the world is going to shit and it needs me, there is no falter no surrender, for the next 364 days i will march to glory, bring honor to my name bring hope to peoples hearts, as well as rip out a few from some deserving people.
yestarday i human, today i something more, much more.
